


Definable Insolence

by Mew (airshipper)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-15
Updated: 2012-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-31 05:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airshipper/pseuds/Mew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a prompt at the Homesmut Kink meme:</p><p>Dirk/John - Conflicting Feelings</p><p>found <a href="http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=29480623#t29480623">here</a><br/>Reposted from there as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definable Insolence

The first time you saw John, was quick and painful. You didn’t show it, and he didn’t notice, but you’re pretty sure Jake did.

You were all supposed to meet up, you’d been in contact with your brother for a while, trading back rhymes and plans, and memories of each other under such a veil of false indifference, you sometimes had to block him because you just didn’t have the patience to pretend you didn’t care. You always came back though, or he did and then you’d talk of plans, of meeting.

It wasn’t something that happened immediately. The game was meant to keep the players separate for a good amount of it, until you were all leveled enough to take on the joint foes. Things happened before you met up. Lots of things, for everybody and it wasn’t just you who felt like shit when the time finally came.

You were all together. People paired off, Dave came to you, gave you a cool nod, very obviously trying to act aloof, which just seemed unnecessary. You already know he’s cool. He doesn’t need to try so hard. When you hug him, he squeaks, and you smirk, and forget about all the bullshit you don’t want to think for a moment because you’re really on the same footing for the first time. Both of you.

When you spot John, over Dave’s shoulder, he’s grinning at Jane, chatting her head off and they are both so delighted, it would be heartwarming if it weren’t for how your world feels like it’s crashing down around you. Jane calls Jake over, holds his hand, and Jake lights up when he talks to John, tells him about how long he’s wanted to meet him, asks about that damn bunny he’d made.

Jane shows John Lil’ Seb, and John asks if Jake made him, too. Jane points over to where you are, explaining about your skills in robotics. How you’re simply the best there is.

When John looks over, you’re no longer there. You’ve hauled Dave off with a sudden burst of speed to a different room, out of sight, where you can challenge him to a strife. Dave doesn’t think this is odd, and you’re relieved when he seems eager to, he probably misses his Bro, too.

At that point, it’s only been 42 minutes since Jake rejected you.

*

You don’t like John. How could you? He’s far too much like Jake. Like he’s the copy, just a little more of a ditz and a little more picky about movies. At least Jake liked the _good_ movies, too.

You avoid him for the most part, but when you can’t you’re biting, cold and unfriendly.

Jane and Jade (She’s nice. She’d got a lot of Jake in her too, but it doesn’t bother you. It’s hardly a reminder when she’s got tits, and is practically all over an orange feathered version of your brother. You can talk to her just fine) don’t approve of your attitude towards John. They give you pointed looks of scolding when you snap at him, or ignore him. Jane pulls you aside and asks what’s wrong, because she doesn’t know, and you’re not going to tell her, and Jake would feel too _badly_ to, and Roxy never would. She’s a good friend. Jade just hits you, the moment John’s left again. She glares, and her ears are low on her head, and she’s glowering. You shrug and she growls.

Dave punches you in the shoulder, says “What the hell, man?” and you shrug at him too. He tells you that’s his best bro. John smiles and says it’s okay, and leaves, because he’s not dumb enough to stay where he’s not wanted. Dave gets pissed at you for it, and you do feel bad about that, cause you like hanging with him. People were worried that the two of you wouldn’t get along, like somehow your experiences with an alternate version would drive you apart. But you never truly got to know your Bro. He’s been dead for years, and before that he was busy, and distant. Dave’s was the same, always gone, or playing mind games that you think would probably be fun but this isn’t the time or place. Maybe that’s what they thought would drive you apart, but it only really strengthened the bond. You had always sort of craved eachother’s company. That’s probably why it upset Dave so much when you rejected his best friend.

Jake almost never sees it happen, because he’s avoiding you. It leaves a dull, poignant ache in your chest, and frustrates you, and makes you lash out at John even more. When he does see though, when it’s unavoidable, he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t approach, just looks away, looks down, leaves. He’s not stupid. He gets it. He feels bad.

You are pretty sure he apologizes to John later, but John just brushes it off, because it’s not like anything can be done. You’re kind of an asshole.

And you are.

You think Rose must know too, must have put it together where not even Dave managed to, because she gives you knowing looks, even when neither Jake or John are even around. She smiles gently, _knowingly_ , and never mentions it out loud. You can’t put your finger on her, can’t manage to like her because she’s too closed off, too much like you. You don’t dislike her either, probably for the same reason. She’s a mastermind, like you, the most like you of any of them, and just directs the strings with you sometimes, silent, knowing and shockingly warm.

Roxy laughs at you, grinning, like it’s not a touchy subject but she knows exactly what’s up. She always did, though, and even though she’s laughing you still feel her sympathy, remember how she’d offered to cuddle on a pile of cat plush a little after you stalemated with Dave in your first ever Strife. You’d declined, and she’d told you it’d be okay, and that she had some booze if he ever wanted some.

You never take her up on that. You’re recovering, barely, and you don’t want to drive yourself into a hole of alcoholic depression because you’re weak. She doesn’t like the implication that she’s weak, so she pretends not to have any sympathy for you when you take out your hurt on John instead.

You don’t measure John’s reactions, try not to pay attention to him when you can, because it’s a bitter bite of rejection that shouldn’t even be there when you do. You brush off his slowly changing attitude, only really registering it on the corners of your mind you can bother spending time registering that with. How he laughs it off at first, and then how it gets sort of resigned, and sympathetic, like he doesn’t know why, but he’s used to it now and he’ll just feel bad for you, rather than himself. What really hits you, what gets your attention, is when he gets fed up.

Because then he starts fighting back.

*

Sometimes in the past, you would get into playful wars with Jane. She’s always been like a little sister to you, and despite how highly she thinks of herself (more specifically her company) and how little she believes the stranger things about your life, you can’t even bring yourself to be annoyed by her. When she pranks you, you’d hit her back with something, because you can, because you don’t mind thinking of ways to mess with people. She calls it a prank war, you call it playful mind games.

No one ever gets hurt, and you come away smiling.

After entering the medium, after meeting for the first time, and talking to her face to face, giving her a hug, it’s a little different. There’s no pranking and no playful games, you’re all too busy, and too distracted by what’s happening in this stupid game you all have to play. She’s a swirl of conflicting emotions, devastated to find that Betty Crocker was just as bad as you and Roxy thought it was, but so happy too, because every time they were together now, Jake would shyly take her hand, and kiss her on the cheek, and she would beam at him, and he would beam back.

You have a similar problem, but it’s much more selfish. You can’t resent her for winning, can’t resent either of them, because you honestly just care too much for them. They’re your best friends, and you are happy they’re happy. You just wish-

But wishing is completely-

You don’t think about it.

You resent John instead, because you don’t know him, and he isn’t your best friend.

*

The first round comes about completely unexpectedly. You feel stupid afterwards, because you should have seen it coming, and it was humiliating, and when the bucket fell over your head, you could hear him laughing. You would have attacked him, because you’re starting to really hate this kid, (because you can, because you have to) but you stop, because he’s laughing.

It’s odd, because you hate this kid. But it’s striking, how different his laugh is from Jake’s. It’s more of polite giggle, like he’s simultaneously saying ‘yes, that was me. I got you haha.’ And, ‘I might be amused, but I’m going to cover my mouth because it’s rude not to, and you deserve some dignity’. The contradiction, and the triumph in his eyes when you stare at him, and then stalk away is both infuriating, and refreshing.

Jake would never have done something like that.

*

The pranks don’t stop. Neither does your attitude, and pretty much everybody is actively trying to keep you away from eachother now, but you don’t know what to do when you can’t lash out at him, you’re not getting over this anywhere near as fast as you’d hoped (of course not, he’s still avoiding you. You’re still in love) and you _need_ to let it out somehow. You hate how uncool you feel these days. You’re not chill, and you’re not acting like the totally hard dude that you are, you’ve got a temper and it’s increasingly obvious that you _do_ give a shit. But taking it out on John helps, and you can just go back to shrugging, to not caring for a little while afterwards.

He needs to too, apparently. He has taken to leaving traps, just to see if you notice them, giving people misinformation for you, just to fuck you up. You think he’s taking it a bit far(you have no right to talk, you started it), but you don’t actually care, because it’s practically war now, and you’re on constant alert for his next attempt, thwarting them more often then not now that you expect them. But he gets past you sometimes. Dave says he’s ‘the pranking master’.

You tell Dave he’s an idiot with a book full of tawdry tricks.

*

Once, you hear John chatting with Roxy, telling her about something stupid, and enjoying how amusing she seemed to find it. Roxy constantly flirts with John, because the only one who seems to think he’s off limits is Rose, and that just makes Roxy want him more. John tells her about how Dave used to spend hours fixing his hair in the morning, and she’s giggling at all of his dumb allusions to Dave acting like a girl. You think it’s really stupid, because gender stereotypes aren’t funny. They’re archaic and tasteless to joke about.

You can tell when John realizes you’re there, you’re not in sight or anything, just hanging out nearby because you wanted to talk to Roxy but you don’t really want to go in there. He knows though, maybe from your breathing. He’s very good at recognizing breathing. But you can tell because he changes the subject, and then instead of making fun of Dave, he’s mocking the hat on your shirt.

Roxy laughs, and tells him that you don’t want to mess with your hair, and it’s obviously the connection, because ha ha you must spend just as much time in the bathroom every morning, what a girl. But Roxy says you call it cooler to wear it on your chest, instead of on your head. John announces that it’s the silliest thing he’s ever heard, and that you should really get a life.

You walk away without actually getting to talk to Roxy, pretty sure of two things.

First, Roxy’s off her head drunk, and had no idea that John wasn’t even _really_ talking to her anymore,

And second, that John isn’t just some derpy kid who looks like Jake, and pranks people.

In actuality, John is a complete Douche.

*

You hate when things remind you of how you like Jake. You especially hate when John does. The game has forced you to work in a singular big group now, because you’re getting closer to the big boss. Your plans and Rose’s started to diverge, and you bowed to Rose’s because even you can admit when someones got a better idea of what’s going on. But the whole thing puts you up close with John a lot more, not near him, but close enough to see him, hear him.

It’s around this time that you start realizing that John’s not really doing it as much. You hate it when he’s anything like Jake, does anything that would make you think of the butterflies that used to erupt when he did something. But it’s astonishing, freeing and wonderful when he does something that makes you think ‘Jake would _never_ do that’.

He does it a lot.

When he laughs, it’s nothing like Jake. He’s meaner than Jake too, not as considerate, while acting as if he’s the most considerate thing ever. He’s more childish, and less silly. He doesn’t roleplay when he types, and he sometimes leaves you little messages on your Pesterchum of a

:(

and then he blocks you, when you haven’t even spoken to him.

You’re at your most childish around him, so you usually block him back.

He pranks you, and gets freaked out by guns. He thinks your sword is so cool, but he would _never_ let you know it (you were told by Dave, but he’s surprisingly not obvious about it) because he seems to have began disliking you just as much as you do him. He still acts cheerful around you, friendly even, but it’s passive aggressive and even a little cruel because he’s still smiling when he does something intentionally mean.

You don’t care, because you think he might be flirting black with you, and you realize, a little after that, that you have been all along too.

*

It’s not painful when you see John anymore.

No one else can tell the difference between the tension, except maybe Rose, but it’s really not about hurt now.

It’s fun, getting back at John. You’re not just thwarting him, and being mean now, you’re pranking him back, like you might with Jane, but with less regard for his wellbeing. When John realizes what you’re doing, he seems delighted, and fights back again, with twice as much vigor but almost none of the malice.

You like that too. It’s distracting, and you don’t even really pay attention to the way Jane and Jake’s hands are intertwined whenever you’re taking a break.

*

You used to imagine, laying on your bed while you beat one off, what Jake smelled like.

It wasn’t the only thing you imagined, but you liked a bit of realism in your fantasy. You’d imagine he smells like plants, and earth and pumpkins, because his home is completely over run with them. You imagine the sharp, static buzz that’s not quite a smell, but tickles your nose anyway, of uranium would be underlying it. You thought he’d smell a bit like gunpowder, a bit like burning, and a bit like blood. You’d imagined, he probably didn’t really mind the natural, wild scents because he grew up with them.

You would close your eyes, and see yourself burying your head in his hair, smelling sweat and bullets, and feel calloused hands over your dick, squeezing hesitantly, not sure if he was doing it right when it was someone else, and not himself.

The first time you got to see Jake in person, near enough to get his scent, you are a little disappointed that he smells pretty normal. Like soap, and skin, and yes, there’s a bit of burnt gun powder too, but the most exotic part of it all is how much like soup he smells. You realize that this is because the consorts on Dave’s planet tried to cook him, though.

Despite how he’s different than you imagined, you’d still thought at the time, just before you were about to ask, to tell, that it was good. You liked it. You haven’t exactly jerked off since then, things have been a bit busy. But you don’t think you could to the thought of his smell.

You don’t even think you could do it to the thought of his hand anymore. It makes you feel a little sick. More than the past prick of guilt, knowing he’d probably be disgusted, but more because you know _know_ it’ll never happen, that you’re being foolish. It would hurt.

John smells completely different than Jake. Different than you imagined, different than he actually was. You love the way John smells, the first time you’re close enough, the first time you actually pay attention.

He smells like fresh air, and warm weather, and he smells sweet. It’s like he’s a batch of freshly baked cookies on a summer afternoon, and you would under normal circumstances never tell him this, because you’d think it too romantic, or nice, or something, but it just pisses him off, because he hates smelling like sweets (most specifically baked goods).

Once you find out why, from Jade, you stop teasing him about it.

John’s a douche, and you hate him, but you’re not about to rip open a wound like that.

John’s dad was just like Jane’s dad, and you know enough about the girl that’s practically your little sister to know that that wound is still raw, maybe even still bleeding.

*

Your auto responder is far more observant than he should be, considering he can’t really watch your interactions in person, and you hardly ever talk to John online. It doesn’t stop him though, and you think he’s talking to John too, when you’re busy and hiding the logs from you, because he certainly knows a lot about what’s going on.

You have conversations about him, like you used to about Jake. These are different though, because he’s not teasing you, or wondering. He doesn’t know from his programming how you’re feeling, he can only observe it, and take note.

He doesn’t hate John, he doesn’t even dislike him.

He’s the first to notice, even before you do, that you don’t either.

*

When things get rough, and you need to be working as a big group without any animosity, everyone gets really worried about you and John. (More so John, people are still firmly rooted in their opinions of you as an asshole. You still are.) You are all part of a machine, a machine that needs every part working in perfect tandem, no stops.

No one can afford you or John getting nasty on the battlefield. There’s way too much at stake.

The only one who truly didn’t seem worried (Roxy pretended she was unfazed, but she can never pretend with you) was Rose. Really, that should have told anyone questioning all they needed to know, because _you_ certainly know by now that girl has everything covered.

As was the case, there was never anything to worry about. You might have started with whole thing with enough ill intent to restart World War II, but you’d never wanted him dead, and there hadn’t ever been a moment you didn’t make sure the grand plan came first.

There was never any debate in the rush of the moment, if you should go for it, if rescuing him was actually worth it.

*

Of course it was.

*

Sometimes, you wonder if John’s a hero or an idiot.

If you were really being honest with yourself, which you tend not to be because fuck that shit when it comes to John you don’t want to think about it, you’d call him a Hero. He’s the leader through and through, everyone is deferring to his choices, though Rose still directs the general plan. The difference is, that John’s the general and everyone else are the soldiers.

He’s everything you were expecting Jane to be, and neither of you mind much that he’s taking that role instead.

You’re not the only one who wonders if he’s an idiot too, one of the trolls that came with Dave and Rose is constantly calling John an idiot, among other less kind things. But that guy isn’t around much. The trolls are mostly doing their own thing, with Jade about the new universe.

Once, John almost died saving you.

You were pretty pissed afterwards, because you _could have gotten out of the way and he would have died_. But he just smiled, and you punched him, but he wasn’t even annoyed by it. He just laughed.

Dave punched you later in frustrated retaliation, but it was worth it.

*

At some point, (you suspect foul play, otherwise known as your AR) ‘hardly ever’ talking to John on Pesterchum became something more like ‘talking to him all the time’ in a very aggressive and unfriendly way, of course.

The number of times he blocked you went down, and you stopped blocking him as much too. He started picking fights with you instead, taking leaps out of AR’s book (one of the many reasons you suspect his involvement) and trying to troll the hell out of you and just generally waste your time. John freely admits this is his game. To fuck with you cause you’re a jerk, and he’s learned a thing or two from the trolls he’s always hanging out with.

In the end, odd as it seems, the exchanges come off as friendly. Well. To an experienced eye. Like some warped passive aggression that comes down to trying to be as unfriendly as possible and ending up filling the log with backhanded compliments instead of insults.

Sometimes you’ll catch yourself re-reading through them and laughing to yourself.

He doesn't block you at all anymore.

You don’t block him anymore, either.

*

You have a habit of zoning out while you’re thinking about things.

He’s noticed, and he used to monopolize on it, setting up pranks while you’re distracted and then watching them unfold the moment you finally get up.

The first time you’re thinking about him while you zone out, you don’t even notice he’s tied your fucking shoelaces together till you’ve fallen on your face.

He giggles at you, that same laugh that says ‘haha oops that was me and I’m really not sorry but I’ll pretend’. You like that laugh okay. You trip him after he helps you up, and then he laughs again, and you smirk at him in return.

He doesn't need help up, because he can float and fly, and do all that cool godly shit, but you offer him a hand anyway.

*

Before you go in for the final battle (against the Batterwitch instead of the Black King) you have a bit of a 'boss battle party'. You all get together, and not just the eight of you, the trolls have graced you all with their presence too. You don’t really like most of them. They put you on edge, but they’re obviously on your side, and mostly you don’t pay attention to them.

By now, Jake’s stopped avoiding you almost completely; he smiles at you, walks over. He looks nervous and really guilty, and you feel a sudden, painful spike of emotion, because you’re getting over it, you actually are now, and despite that you still manage to burn, just a bit at the sight of him. Knowing _he_ still remembers, too. He hasn’t gotten over hurting you either. You wish he would, because it might help the pain fade faster. Or maybe it would just piss you off. You can’t even pretend you can measure reactions you’ll have to Jake anymore. He’s one big miscalculation. But you don’t let him see that. You love him, and you can’t have him, but you never wanted to lose him if he said no. You nod.

The guilt and worry melts from his face, replaced by a relieved, radiant grin when he sees your offered fistbunp, and he does, and it feels a little like something’s mending, maybe.

But the _oddest_ part, is the way that grin was the first thing that reminds you of _John_ instead of the other way around.

You don’t know what that means.

*

Dave does, though.

Dave spends a good bit of the party hanging out with a troll girl, her red shades gleam and they’d almost be threateningly pointy (like yours) but they aren’t, because only a complete fucking moron would be scared of her glasses when you can see her teeth. Eventually, she gets side-tracked with talking to the very loud, irritable troll that you’ve been watching because John is talking to him, and you’re trying to think of a good prank to play on him tonight because you don’t know the next time you’ll be able to.

You’re caught up in it, so you don’t notice Dave sit next to you even though you should have, because you saw Terezi approach them.

Dave’s got a cup of what you can only assume is a concoction Roxy laid out, because it smells like vodka, and it looks like a sorry attempt at punch, and obviously that girl wants you all hung over so you’ll lose tomorrow. Dave knows what’s in it, you can tell. He’s not stupid, and he’s taking tiny sips, and not often. Just tasting it. He’s looking at you from the corner of his eye, and you can see the red of his irises and you know he can see the orange of yours.

”What.” You say, because you really have no idea what he’s over here for, and you’re concentrating most of your attention on that prank plan and don’t feel like coming up with a witty opening. He doesn’t really care, partly because you’re sure he can tell exactly what you’re thinking about, and partly because the two of you have established a ‘no trying too hard’ zone around eachother.

(You weren’t the only one who got fed up with it.)

“Dude. You’ve got to stop this.” Dave informs you easily, putting his cup down between you, and turning his face towards John too. John was floating up in the air with a gust of wind,  pulling the now screeching troll up with him. He was cackling, and so was the other troll with the shades, and you feel a twinge of jealousy because sure, you wouldn’t be freaked out by that, but he was torturing someone else tonight and- A hand shakes your shoulder, stirring you from your staring and you look back at Dave. “I mean it. If I didn’t know you, I’d think it was fucking creepy. Get a grip, bro.”

You know he doesn’t like calling you ‘bro’, because it’s what he called his older brother. When he does, he’s usually trying to jar you, bring your attention fully on him. It works, because ‘bro’ means the same things to you, too.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

*

TT: They’re nothing like eachother, you must have realized that by now. Two bona-fucking-fied individual people. They don’t even type the same.

*

“Lets Strife.” Dave says, and stands up. You do too, because you want to get to the bottom of this, and you know that Dave communicates with you best (he had with the alternate you) when you’re strifing. Some other people glance at the two of you when you skirt off to the side. It’s especially breezy because John’s still taking the troll for a ride, but you really aren’t concentrating on that right now. Dave’s got something to say, and you’re pretty sure somewhere deep down, you know what it is.

Roxy cat calls, and Jane looks worried when they notice you taking out your swords. Jake, for once, doesn’t seem worried or guilty when he sees you doing something. Something really did mend, because he cheers for you like Jade and Rose are cheering for Dave, and you feel your lips twitch a little.

When you and Dave talk again, between the clash of steal and tiny sparks that make your heart thrum happily in your chest, you do it quietly, because it’s a private conversation and there are people watching. Some of the trolls are hooting along with Roxy, but not all of them. One of them sits daintily, just a little closer than would be friendly to Rose. She watches curiously, and asks questions that Rose doesn’t answer because she’s too busy smiling that knowing smile.

Dave talks first, of course, because he’s the one who’s got something to say. He swings his half sword at you, a huge, ornate thing with a jagged tip because no one ever said broken blades weren’t just as deadly. You catch it in a parry with your own, and the metal of his digs into the metal of yours, neither on yielding to the both scrape down until he’s trying to force into the guard and you’re both leaned in close. “He’s my best bro. He talks to me, you know.”

You laugh, just a short, mildly amused breath because you at least knew it was about him. “Yeah I’d assume as much. That’s generally a thing they do.” You know he meant more than that, meant about _you_ , but you’re in a pretty damn good mood right now, and you would much rather mess with him than deal with the implications he’s going for here. You’d rather him spit it out loud and clear, because then maybe you’ll let yourself get it.

You don’t think he realizes how little you actually know about what you’re doing these days.

He grits his teeth, but you finally overpower him, and fling him a few feet away with a shove before he can properly respond.

*

TT: I am almost beside myself with shame, knowing I am the one that has to point this out to you before you get it.  
TT: You have a serious problem.

*

Goading Dave with stubborn lack of understanding was fun for a while, but It was starting to get old. John had landed by the others, and was talking curiously with them. Rose was telling him something in response, but it’s not like you could really hear what any other them were saying. You were communicating with Dave right now.

The real communication was in the strife itself, rather than the words you were trading. Dave’s worried about you, annoyed with you. He wants you to just fess up already, and stop lying to yourself. You’re in denial, to an extent, because you thought you hated him, and you thought you were black, but you’re not, and you don’t actually know what to do so close to getting Jake back with you.

You don’t want to know what he would think, when they’re so alike.

Dave thinks that’s stupid. You’re better than this, smarter than this. You pull the strings, and you can see several steps ahead of your opponent, because you really _are_ simply the best there is.

He thinks you’re scared, thinks you’re being a coward and he doesn’t like it. He still sort of looks up to you, like you’re not his alt bro, you’re his Bro, who raised him, and he doesn’t like seeing you knock yourself off his pedestal with some stupid insecurity or some shit. But you’re not being insecure. Well, not really.

You’re frustrated that he’s doing this, trying to put that weight on your shoulders, and you’re not really in a good mood anymore, because you don’t like confronting this when you haven’t got your mind wrapped around it.

You don’t even _know_ what you’re doing.

*

TT: God, sometimes I can’t believe that you are me in a future, human sense.  
TT: You’ve usually got this stuff down. English didn’t break you, so stop acting like the oblivious asshole archetype. It’s unbecoming, and frankly all us here in the peanut gallery are getting damn annoyed. 

*

The fight ends in a hollow draw, neither one of you satisfied, but there’s nothing more to say, even if nothing got solved. Dave looks more annoyed than before, and you wonder if anyone else can tell, but you’re sure they can’t. It’s not as if Dave’s mask slipped. You can just see through it.

He can see through yours, too. That’s why he stops looking annoyed. You’re still just confused. Feeling frustratingly vulnerable without your solid foundation of _knowing_.

You are surprised by how much you’re beginning to realize you don’t know. Dave’s helped you find the right questions, you just don’t have any answers.

*

Jake started becoming a crush for you, instead of just a friend at the age of twelve. You didn’t really get it then, but by thirteen, when you programmed the Auto Responder, and started talking to him, you were starting to sort it out. You barely remember that time, the ‘sorting out’ period, because it was years ago.

You’ve known exactly what you wanted from Jake for _years_ now.

It took you a good six months to navigate through all of the questions and possibly pitfalls of getting into a relationship with your best friend. You measured the pros and cons, you judged his possibly reactions. You read the logs between the AR and Jake, when the AR confessed under the guise of Irony (it was for him, which is why he does it, and not you) and gauged the feedback Jake gave.

After those six months, you had some solid ideas. You wanted him. If you told him, it would be complicated. You were willing to take that risk.

You’d only been fourteen at that point, and you’d been ready to confess back then, not even a little nervous. You trusted Jake to handle his side of it okay, and you thought you could handle it if he wasn’t interested.

It was around then that your realized Jane liked Jake too, though. Roxy had let it slip, and she obviously felt bad about it, but the two of you had feelings jams a lot, and she couldn’t help it. You called off your plan before you’d even told her there was one, because you didn’t want to compete with Jane.

Jane’s feelings were slowly developing, probably at the same time yours were, but probably a lot more pure. She thought about going places with him, holding his hand. She wanted to kiss his cheek, and cuddle with him while he showed her all those dumb movies she already knew she wouldn’t like.

You thought for a long time that you must just be lusting after Jake, that _Jane_ actually loved him.

By a year later, you realized that couldn’t be it, because the thought of Jane doing those things with him, cuddling, and holding hands and things, that stuff shouldn’t have been for a hard kind of dude like you, you were too cool for that. You weren’t though, and you wanted to. The idea of Jane doing those things with Jake instead of you made you jealous, and you got over your dislike of competing with her, when you realized your feelings were the same.

It was uncertain whom Jake would choose at the time (it should have been obvious all along) to you, so you decided to go ahead with it. It took you nearly a full year to plan out your confession to the last meticulous detail. You knew about the game, what would happen, a lot of how it was even going to happen already.

You knew how you wanted it to go, and you knew how to get him there, and how to be there too. You didn’t want to steal Jake from Jane or anything, but it seemed fair if you were both going to try, and Jake would just choose who you wanted.

Not until after Jane won did you realize you were expecting to. It wasn’t until after you were told, apologetically, that he didn’t feel that way, that he and Jane had already agreed to start dating that you realized you felt jilted, rejected.

You thought it was just both of your fair tries, but you’d built it up into a competition.

Of course, you’re most of the way over that now, just trying to shake off the lasts of the hurt, but you can do that now that you’re sure you didn’t lose his friendship. You’re pretty sure it’s your fault if you almost did, scaring him into thinking that with your actions towards John.

You hated what was like Jake, (at the time) because it was a reminder. You loved what was different, relished it, but you weren’t sure why. You’re starting to realize that you still hate the things that are the same about them, but for a completely different reason. It helps you work through the things you don’t know a little, but it doesn’t help you figure out what you’re doing. You hate the things that are the same, because it makes you question why this is happening. Makes you wonder if you’re that pathetic, to just see Jake in him, and nothing else, and you’re afraid, a little, of what others would think. What they would assume. You love the things that are different, because it’s like a reminder.

It’s a reminder that you’re falling for those parts of him, too.

When you’re reminded of that, things seem a little more manageable, except for you can’t remember how to come to terms with it. You’re already too actively involved, sneaking around, doing everything to get John’s attention, and relishing the way he is pretty consistently doing the same. Even if it makes you feel pathetic, because neither of you are doing it out of spite anymore, and of course people are going to think things.

You don’t know if you’re ready to know what Jake would think of it, of your fucked up rebound that you’re not sure is just a rebound. Logically, you think you should give it a break, step back and plan. Figure it out, and go through the process again before you do anything, get ready, know exactly what’s going to happen down to the last detail. But you can’t bring yourself to pull away far enough to do it.

You dove headlong into this thing, because you were being rash, and stupid, and hurt, and you didn’t want to think. It was unlike you, and the lack foreknowledge makes it way too dangerous. You can still taste the bitter feelings in the back of your throat, of how it looks, of how John’s so much like Jake, and that’s just wrong.

But it’s the things that aren’t like Jake that makes it so hard for you to stop. You’re having fun with John, more fun than you’ve had in a pretty fucking long time, if you’re being honest with yourself.

The issue keeps going around in circles in your brain, never finding a solid conclusion because you’re not really _using_ your brain on this one like you usually do.

You’re not thinking things through, not planning and it’s frustrating, knowing that you’ve got to putyour faith in something so tenuous as your heart.

*

John’s eyes are fucking gorgeous.

You feel really sappy even thinking it, and then really stupid when you think you know why.

Jake’s eyes are dark, forest green. They shine with a need for adventure, and a longing for the thrill of the unknown. You can see right through him with those eyes, the way they sparkle when you talk about something that he likes, and the way they gleam when he’s proud of what he’s done. He’s always looking ahead, trying to see what he can do next, and trying to see who’s in front of him. It’s not that he doesn’t look back, because he could never let go of everything he has completely, not when he cares so much, but it’s pretty obvious that the future, the excitement and the movement are his focus.

You always admired that, because you liked the future too. His eyes are beautiful, they got your heart pounding, like you were on the adventure with him. Everything was an adventure for him, so you probably were.

John’s eyes are blue. Bright blue, not sky blue, or dark blue, or ocean blue, they were like a primary color was taken right out of the most shockingly pure tub of pigment, and slathered around his pupils until the only way to describe the color was purely _blue_. For the longest time, you hadn’t even notices the color of his eyes because you’d just assumed they were the same as Jake’s. They looked _exactly_ the same in everything else.

But their eyes were so different.

It wasn’t just the color either, though that was certainly a stark difference. John’s eyes didn’t tell of any yearning for adventure. They looked more tired, more ready for the adventure to stop. He had old eyes, like he had been through it all already, even though he didn’t act like it at all. Despite that, they were still full of light, of determination. He was a leader, and a god. He had been fighting for years now, like you and Roxy, and he understood far more than he should have. His eyes tell you stories, and make you think of letting go. He doesn’t just look forward, because for the most part, he’s completely unconcerned by what the future holds. He’s more interested in the present, looking around him at whoever’s there. He doesn’t _want_ to leave everyone behind, but when it’s unavoidable, when he finds out that some of them were already gone before he’d even gotten a chance to save them, he keeps going. His eyes stay bright because there’s still a set of new ‘everyone’ that can’t be left.

Their eyes are so different. You thought that’s why you liked John’s. Another reminder that they’re not the same person.

But that wasn’t it either.

When you looked at John’s eyes, up close for the first time in the battle with the Batterwitch, which had become the battle with Lord English himself, you didn’t think of Jake at all. You were holding him, heart pounding and arms shaking, because you couldn’t tell for just if that had been heroic or just fucking stupid (as always) and he could actually be _dying for good right now_.

Dave was trying to get over there, but he was needed more than anyone at the front lines, the only one who had a power anything like Lord English. Rose was telling everyone else that you had it covered, they couldn’t have more than two people down right now, they needed to keep fighting. They all listened because she already knew what was going to happen, and apparently you were the only one that was supposed to be there.

His breathing is slowing, and his eyes are fluttering, and you’re not thinking about Jake. All you can see in his eyes is forgiveness, and welcoming and when you lean down and kiss him, his lips are cold, and his eyes close, but you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest from the intensity of the feeling.

You kneel there, completely fucking useless in the midst of the most important moment of all of your lives, and watch the breath cease to leave his lips. You need to stand, and start moving, helping, because you can’t do anything here and you can’t even pretend that you were trying to bring him back with a kiss because you know the rules of the game, and you know god tiers have different properties and nothing you can do will change the outcome.

But you can’t move.

You’re still shaking, actually feeling like you might cry, something you haven’t done in a really fucking long time, when his blood on your arm starts lifting up into the air (with him lifting up right after) in every color of the rainbow. It pulses with an unnatural glow, and you’re so relieved he’s _obviously_ an idiot afterall, it makes you laugh.

When he opens his eyes again, you come to the realization that your love for them has nothing to do with Jake at all.

John’s eyes are fucking gorgeous, and that’s all there really is to say on the matter.

*

Dave laughed his ass off the first time he saw your tattoo. Oddly, it was after the battle was complete, they’d won but just barely and they were all resting in the summer heat of a completely new universe with absolutely no one in sight for miles. You don’t really care, because you don’t need anyone’s blessing to know you’re one cool dude, and it’s an important cultural icon from your universe, with a personal meaning.

“I get it dude, don’t get snippy.”

He _does_ get it, of course because he gets you pretty well in general and it’s pretty obvious what you mean. But he still thinks it’s funny because at his age, those characters don’t have the same meaning to him as they did to your Bro. For him, they were a statement, most of the time, trying to protect the masses from the unknown dangers a baked goods supplier gone mad could cause. For Dave, they were just irony.

Roxy laughed too, and she wasn’t the only one, Jade and John both giggling too, with identical grins on their faces because they know it like Dave does too. Roxy was just laughing because she could though, because others were, and because they were all high on adrenaline from finally making it.

Terezi hadn’t stopped hugging Dave around the middle since they’d arrived through the door finally. Karkat had been crying since even before that, the moment John forced them to step forward together. Jane hadn’t minded, she recognized that John was their friendleader, and had no real problem with it. Jake was grinning his head off, and the two of them were holding hands again, but you’re hardly even noticing anymore.

Rose hugged John when they were done, but then she moved on, and hugged just about everyone, even you. When she pulled away, she gave you another one of those knowing smiles, and it was a nice warm one, just like all the others she’d given you. When she pulled away, moving on to give one to Kanaya, you catch John’s eye.

He smiles at you, and he doesn’t seem about to do anything douchey or pull any childish punches, and you don’t really feel like it either.

You didn’t get a chance to talk or anything after he died again on the battlefield, trying to charge in first to land a quick starting blow and take LE by surprise. It hadn’t worked (he was an idiot) but that was okay, because you’re pretty sure if it had, he would have died as a hero, and you wouldn’t be able to waggle your eyebrows above your shades in an over exaggerated suggestive gesture.

John covered his mouth and giggled, and then scooted over so you could grin at eachother.

*

TT: About time you stopped being a pussy. See how easy that was? 

*

John was an idiot, but not even  _he_ was actually stupid. You were coming to realize that none of you were, everyone could figure something out. No one was strictly dim.

John knew even before you told him, why you were so mean when you first met. He just laughed at you again, waved it off and said it was all kind of obvious after chatting with your AR for a while.

You knew that bastard was a traitor.

*

“You know, whenever I’m having my first kiss, someone involved is always dying.”

Is the statement that led to _your_ second kiss, though both of you were laughing into it because you’d replied with a quick “look out for assassinations” before leaning in. It hadn’t been what you were planning, because John tends to be very spontaneous, and you don’t have a very easy time planning ahead with him because of it.

You complained about this constantly. You like being able to plan ahead.

“Nope! I’m not gonna spend my whole life following a silly plan just to make you feel better dude.”

”It wouldn’t be silly.”

”Noooooope not happening!”

”Heart breaker.”

John sticks his tongue out, and you can’t help trying to lick it. He jerks back and laughs, claiming “That doesn’t stop you from coming on to me! Geez, obviously you can get over it.”

You’re just playing, really. You’re never very serious when you complain about things like that, because you know just as well as he does that you already have.  


**Author's Note:**

> reposted from comments cause it flows better this way?? not really any more edited though. also i don't know what im doing how do you post on here wweh......


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